Sexual Harassment on Substack
The beauty and danger of writing openly online, and the painful reality that vulnerability can connect us, but it can also be exploited. Plus a helpful checklist to keep you safe!
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The notification came in.
The message was from a friend who had been telling me about a recent date, and it read:
“When I go out, I don’t divulge everything about me anymore…now I know what these narcissist people can do. They mirror you, they are chameleons.”
I felt a pit in my stomach.
I know the feeling all too well.
The fear. The skepticism. Wondering and asking yourself, “How much should I share with this new person?”, “Will they use this against me?”, “Are they trying to know my weak spots?”
And the most terrifying one: “If I share them, will they exploit them?”
These thoughts aren’t random. They are a consequence. A permanent side effect.
They are where your mind goes now, after realizing that what you once shared in the most candid and honest moments were used by the wrong person to gain access to you.
I write this today because, way too often, I come across the sweetest posts by the kindest souls, saying something to the effect of:
“I’m pouring my heart out on my Substack like I never did before!”
“Substack is the diary I never thought I needed,” or “My Substack is my confessional.”
When I see this, it brings me joy because I recognize myself in it. But in the back of my mind, a concerned thought always appears:
“Please be careful. You don’t know who is reading.”
“Do they know how to protect themselves? Do they know they have to be careful?”
I speak from personal experience.
The thought that someone could be using what they learn about me from my blogs to get access to me in a sinister way never crossed my mind. Until it was too late.
I do not say this to scare anyone away from writing.
Quite the opposite.
Writing is one of the most beautiful ways we remind ourselves we are still here. It is how we make sense of what happened. It is how we turn pain and lessons into language, confusion into clarity, and loneliness into connection.
But I also think there is a difference between being open and being unprotected.
A frequent problem is that many people don’t notice the subtle, yet alarming, red flags of grooming and sexual harassment by someone in their orbit, often someone older, who may use the information they write about to gain access to them.
It is subtle.
For example:
Did you write about a topic you deeply care about and suddenly someone brings it up and asks you about it?
Did you go on a trip somewhere, and suddenly that person wants to know more and has oddly specific questions?
Did you post about your favorite restaurant, and suddenly at a work meeting they bring up that they went to that restaurant, and had a list of every dish they ate just to show you?….while your boss isn’t looking?
A one-off may be a coincidence. But three, four, five times or more?
That is no longer random. That is a pattern.
And the other red flag is not simply that they bring it up, it is that they make it sound casual or a coincidence, as if they didn’t know where they got the information.
What I will say next, please read it from the lens of “be aware, not anxious”.
THE SAFETY CHECKLIST
1.You Never Know Who is Reading
As you hit the [sometimes terrifying] “publish” button, ask yourself;
Who knows I have a Substack?
Did I mention it at work?
Did I mention it at school?
Did I tell a neighbor?
Did I tell someone in my family?
Did I share it on my social media?
Who watched my stories?
Could someone from my real life easily find this?
Could my boss, coworker, classmate, teacher, ex, neighbor, or relative read this?
If the answer is Yes to any of these, that’s okay. Just be aware that they know these things about you. Are you okay with that? Or is there anyone you rather keep it away from?
2. What Details Are You Giving Away?
Sometimes the danger is not one big confession. Sometimes it is ten tiny details that, together, tell someone exactly how to approach you.
Examples:
Your family dynamics
Where you work
Where you live or what neighborhood you’re in
Your schedule
Your favorite places
Your emotional wounds
Your loneliness
Your insecurities
Your relationship status
Your dreams or concerns
Your flaws
If you share them, do it knowing your discernment has to be on alert. While authenticity is the foundation of any connection, just be aware, not every one’s intentions are as pure as yours.
3. Confusion as Control: when you can’t tell if it’s wrong:
The confusion is part of the manipulation/grooming. If someone makes you feel safe and unsafe at the same time, pay attention.
They are kind, then inappropriate.
They praise your work, then make you uncomfortable.
They help you, then make you feel indebted.
They make you feel special, then make you feel guilty.
They do something alarming, but surround it with charisma or power over you.
This one is often the hardest to identify in the early stages, when they slowly begin to push your boundaries.
How to Know if Someone is Safe?
You feel safe saying NO. And they respect it, THE FIRST TIME and EVERY TIME.
You do not feel afraid that your rejection could make them angry.
You do not feel guilty for needing space.
You do not feel pressured to share more.
They do not use your vulnerability against you.
You can be more YOU around them.
You feel safe to speak up to them, or bring up anything that concerns you.
In Conclusion:
When you have a good, kind and compassionate spirit, it’s normal to believe others do too. A lot of writers and creators do. It’s not in your nature to think people can be absolutely sinister. I want to ensure that innocence is never taken away from you, and I hope with this short list it can help you filter out anyone who could harm you.
With absolute love,
Do you know any kind souls that you think could benefit from the Safety Checklist? Forward this article to them. Let’s keep them safe! x
You can also share the Safety Checklist!
Save it, screenshot it and pass it on!
This is My Take by Grecia Figueroa is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Thank you for being here! Xx
If someone on Substack is engaging in inappropriate or harassing behavior, you can report the account directly through Substack by submitting a request to their Standards & Enforcement team.
If you are reading this and have experienced sexual harassment or abuse, please know you are not alone. Support is available, and you deserve to be heard. In the U.S., you can call or text 988, or reach RAINN at 800-656-HOPE (4673).
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thank you so much for bringing light to such an important topic!! those who don’t have bad intentions tend to forget that some people may try to use their vulnerabilities against them.
Oh my god I am so, so happy you wrote this. This is so necessary and such a useful and well written advice. It didn't even occur to me because I have the same methods of keeping myself safe everywhere, I don't function here under my real name, because I am a woman online and I made a decision not to, but creeps are everywhere, of any gender. Grecia, you're doing God's work by writing something like this. This is NEEDED. Although I HATE this needs to be said, I know it does need to be said. Thankfully, manipulation at its core is the same everywhere, no matter which doors were used to enter -even Substack. And "No" is a full sentence. I don't let people make me uncomfortable and I am very chip-on-my-shoulder kinda person that discourages online creepiness, but that's just me. The very thought of some people using Substack to discover people's weaknesses, to harass them... Shudder. And people do that. Let's not pretend, people do that. Just today I found some articles that made me think: "wow, if only I was that intelligent and capable as a writer of expressing myself" and I am amazed at the inner worlds of these people. But of course, people will use the openness, the kindness, the transparency, the honesty. I am very happy you wrote this and I think it would be good to compile words you wrote just the advice in bullet points and periodically re-publish it so people can share it! Thank you so much for writing this for us.